Diary & confessions

Well, i was reading my old diary entries from 2010 and i was very suprised do find a long forgotten one..one where i am in much pain because felipe was acting strange and i was afraid of losing his friendship. the entrie is dated 11/03/2010.. long before i could ever imagine actually losing him. in what i wrote, what brought fresh tears and opened even further wounds that i have bean trying so hard, but in vein, to cover was "i am quite positive he is one person i could not live without" and "Felipe, i love you more than i do myself, so please stop this because i cannot bare to lose you." It pains me so much to read it and know that even now, these words did not lose there meaning and even if i have proved them not to be full truths, they are much more than half-truths. I must confess, that most of my days i feel empty inside and life seems to have lost its meaning. i try so fucking hard to make being happy feel right, and laughing something natural, but its so hard. almost to hard. private things happen around me, things i dare not share with the world. and i need him here with me, the only one that new my darkest secrets. even those that weren't even my own to tell. who can i trust in now? who will be here to catch me when i miss a step and fall? who will be here to constantly remind me with a single smile that true love does exist, in diferent ways then the one we see in movies? in the entrie, i found a frase when even a year ago, i could explain the feeling quite well.. " i am not in love. this is a another type of love, a need much greater. I am not right when things are like this". Yes, i really do not know what i should do and find myself talking to the stars every night for the last 28 days(each day he has been dead), hoping he can hear me. i sometimes feel silly, like i am talking to nothing at all. but i still continue, for there is a small chance he does listen. I get angry in the morning if he is not in my dreams, but when he is, i find myself waking up angrier, for i wanted to keep sleeping so that i could be with him. I am a complete and utter mess, and am bewildered how others cannot see right through my fake laughs and twisted smiles. I am even tempted to look into religion to make things feel a bit more bearable. i belive strongly that i need a psychiatrist, just convince my father of this, who ever reads this shit.
p.s.: complete diary entry
p.s.s: quotes time, now: these are quotes i found that remind me of him and explain almost perfectly what i had and lost.

"Don't cry for what might of been, don't live in the past. It was supossed to be forever, well forever never lasts. Lift your head and dry your tears, forget about yesterday. We had the time of your lives, but we must move on, let it fade away..."

"You live and you breathe and then you die. In between, if you're lucky, you fall in love. Some loves stay forever, others are lost in only a day. But it's still there, underneath all the hurt and pride and years. If it's true love, it's never forgotten. So when someone says they're in love, don't tell them they can't be. Don't say they're too young, or it's too soon. Love knows no age or length of time. Love is a feeling, deep in your heart, that squeezes you tight and you never want to let it go"

"Through out your life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored. You could tell them things and they won't judge you...this person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don't EVER let them go"

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life, how do you go on...when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back. Ther are some things time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep and have to much of a hold"

"Real loss is only possible when you love the other person more than you love yourself."

well, thats enough for now.